


it feels easier to just swim down

by shorttemperedproteancreator



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander doesn't take care of himself, Alexander used to be a drug addict, Also he gets pneumonia, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, Everyone is sad but they r trying, He only calls him alexander once, Laf is only there for like 5 seconds, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Nightmares, Past Drug Addiction, Past Suicide Attempt, Pet Names, Self-Harm, Sometimes he still does, They're both so bad at taking care of themselves, Thomas has a lot of pet names for alex, Thomas used to self harm, kinda angsty?, self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-13 21:13:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10521969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shorttemperedproteancreator/pseuds/shorttemperedproteancreator
Summary: Thomas proposes to Alexander, they're both happy. Things get really, really bad, they both relapse, Alexander literally almost dies, then they get a little better.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This totally could've been multiple chapters, I'm just lazy.  
> Trigger warnings are in the tags, I don't think I forgot anything but if I did tell me!  
> Also if you couldn't tell I got bored as hell in the last like...third? So if it seems bad that's why lol.

I.  
Thomas's heart was pounding. Why had he thought this was a good idea? They were at an office party, for God's sake. Both of them were wearing khakis. That weird IT guy who'd grabbed his dick in the lunchroom was there. This was terrible.

“Alexander! Mon chou.” Thomas said happily, walking up to Alexander and grabbing his hand. He smiled at Lafayette, whom Alexander had been talking to. “Laf, can I talk to Alex alone for a minute?” He asked kindly. Lafayette nodded.

“Of course, mon ami!” Laf said happily, practically bouncing away. Thomas chuckled lightly before swallowing heavily and turning to Alexander.

“Okay. I'm gonna talk for a ‘sec, and I just need you not to say anything, because if you do I'm gonna die.” Thomas said seriously. Alexander raised an eyebrow quizzically, but just nodded. Thomas was going to throw up. This was such an awful time to do this, why was he still talking?

“Alexander. For the past two years, I've had the complete honor of calling you my boyfriend and my best friend.” Alexander looked confused. Thomas shoved his hands in his pockets so it wasn't obvious how badly they were shaking.

“We've been there for each other for every late night that became an early morning, and for every high and every low. I've seen all of you that I could see.” Thomas said. “And I never want that to end.”

He took the ring out and went down onto one knee, looking up at Alexander, who now appeared to be crying. “So, I really love calling you my boyfriend. But, I'd love calling you my husband even more. Will you marry me?”

Everyone was staring. The tears had moved from Alexander's eyes onto his cheeks. Thomas was shaking. 

“Are you for real?” Alexander asked, smiling wide. “What do you mean? Of course I'll marry you. Are you serious?”

Thomas stood up with a laugh and nodded. “Of course I'm serious.” Alexander hugged him tightly and Thomas grinned, lifting the shorter man up slightly. Thomas could vaguely hear people clapping, but all he cared about was the man in his arms.

When Thomas finally set Alexander down, he had stopped crying, but his eyes were still red. “Can I put the ring on you?” He asked softly, biting on his lower lip. Alexander nodded eagerly. The ring was simple, a gold band with three diamonds in a line across the band. Thomas slid the ring onto Alexander's ring finger, thanking God that it fit.

“I love you, Thomas.” Alexander whispered, cupping Thomas's cheeks and kissing him happily.

“I love you too, ‘Lex.” Thomas replied, muffled against Alexander's lips.

II.  
“Explain.” Thomas said, the rage behind his voice barely contained as he dropped a bag of white pills onto the keyboard of Alexander's laptop. Alexander froze.

You knew he was going to find it out, you did it anyway, stupid fucking stupid. 

When Alexander didn't answer right away, Thomas supplied another question. “Who sold these to you?” He asked, his voice not any nicer even as Alexander's hands started shaking.

“Uh, the girl who works at the bookstore on Claremont.” He replied with a voice as equally shaky as his hands. “Thomas, I was just so stressed, with work, and the wedding, and my head wouldn't be quiet. You were on your trip, and talking on the phone wasn't the same, and it made me feel really weak? I haven't taken any since you got back from France, I swear.” He added the last part, even though he knew that wouldn't make anything better.

He'd been clean for a little over six months before Thomas left. The trip had been hard on both of them, especially so close to the wedding, but Alexander didn't want to let Thomas see how hard it really was for him. The girl at the bookstore was young and only charged him fifty dollars for the bag of twenty pills.

“We've talked about this, Alexander! You know better!” Thomas said angrily, running his hands through his hair and exhaling heavily. “I can't believe you would do this. We're getting married in five weeks, and you decide to walk two blocks down the street and buy a bag of fucking oxy?”

Alexander was crying. Not just a little, no, he was full on bawling. This is gross, he's going to hate you. “I'm s- I'm sor- ry.” He stuttered, between rough sobs that shook his skinny frame. 

“How many did you take?” Thomas asked, grabbing Alexander's jaw. It wasn't rough, he was never rough when he touched Alexander, but it still made Alexander cry even harder. 

“Ei- eight.” Alexander stuttered, tears streaming down his face and onto Thomas's arm. You're crying on him? He probably hates you now.

“And what were you gonna do with the rest? Keep them until you wanted more?” Thomas asked, his voice furious but his hand on Alexander's jaw still gentle. Alexander shook his head quickly.

“I was- I was gonna throw them away!” He managed to say, tears still all over his face.

“You're a mess. How am I supposed to marry you like this?” Thomas pulled away his hand as if he'd been burned and stormed out of the room, leaving the pills on Alexander's keyboard. The roaring of an engine could be heard a few minutes later, and Alexander had assumed Thomas left.

Alexander screamed. A loud, agonized sound tore it's way up out of his throat and his hands shook roughly as he reached for the bag. He already hates you anyway, a couple more won't change that.

As he turned the bag upside down, the pills fell onto the floor and Alexander got down so he could count them. Sometimes counting things out helped him calm down. There were twelve pills. He didn't feel any calmer. He swallowed two of them, dry, and waited for his head to just be quiet already.

You're such an idiot, now he's going to leave you, you're going to die alone. Alexander curled up on his side, still crying hard. He didn't know it, but he was unconsciously scratching at his temples as he sobbed. You ruined it, Alexander. You finally had a chance to be happy and you ruined it because you couldn't keep away from drugs.

It was a full hour before Thomas came to check on Alexander. He had expected to see him still typing at his laptop, unphased by what had happened, but when he saw Alexander curled on the floor with scratches on the sides of his face, his heart dropped.

Thomas got onto his knees next to Alexander, and pulled his hair out of his face. “‘Lex, baby, it's me.” He said, leaning down to make sure Alexander was still breathing. “Wake up, mon chou.” Thomas squeezed Alexander's shoulder lightly, and the smaller man stirred and opened his eyes.

“Thomas? I thought you left.” Alexander said shakily as he opened his eyes and sat up. “That was really mean of you, by the way.” He added with crossed arms.

“I know it was, ‘Lex.” Thomas sighed, putting his hand on Alexander's knee. “I was really worried about you, but that wasn't an excuse to say things like that, or yell at you.” He continued, looking at Alexander to see how he reacted. “I'm really sorry, baby, I really am.” He said, leaning in to peck Alexander on the cheek.

“You… do you still want to get married?” Alexander asked hesitantly, almost afraid of the answer.

“If you will still let me marry you, then yes.” Thomas replied with a small, sad smile. Alexander nodded happily and practically lunged into Thomas's arms, hugging him tight. Thomas laughed a little and hugged him back.

“I love you, Thomas.” Alexander whispered.

“I love you too, Alex.” Thomas mumbled, holding the smaller man close with one arm while he used the other to pick up the pills on the carpet.

III.  
Getting Thomas to wear short sleeves had been an uphill battle, but Alexander was glad he won, because Thomas had the most amazing arms. Thomas disagreed, although for a stupid reason. On each of his arms was a long, dark scar that ran from his wrist to his elbow. On his left arm there were a few more scars running horizontally, but those were a bit less noticeable.

Thomas still wore long sleeves most of the time, so when he walked out from his shower wearing a hoodie, Alexander didn't say anything. That was normal for Thomas.

It was when Thomas stopped having sex with him that Alexander realized there was a problem. It's not that Thomas was a slut or anything, it's just that he really enjoyed having sex with his husband. Except recently, he didn't even seem to enjoy being around Alexander that much, and it was causing problems for both of them.

“Thomas, can we talk?” Alexander asked, not looking up from his laptop as Thomas walked through the front door. He'd been staying at work later than usual lately, saying he was working on cases, but they worked in the same place. Alexander knew what cases Thomas had.

“Yeah, ‘Lex, what's up?” Thomas asked, sitting on the couch next to Alexander. Alexander set his laptop down on the coffee table and turned so he could look at Thomas.

“Babe, what's going on? We haven't had sex in two weeks, you've been staying late at the office, we haven't even been taking the same car to work.” Alexander asked, grabbing both of Thomas's hands. “Did I do something wrong?”

Thomas worried his lip between his teeth for a moment before shaking his head. “No, you didn't do anything.” He said quietly.

“Then what's going on?” Alexander pleaded, looking at Thomas with wide, curious eyes. Thomas took a deep breath.

“So Washington gave me this case- and before you get mad at him, I told him I wanted it so don't- but it was a child abuse case. This foster family was being sued for psychologically abusing this teenage girl, to the point where she tried to kill herself. I thought I could handle it, but the file, everything was so graphic and it brought back so many memories. And then- then I lost the case. The family, they didn't even lose their foster license.” Thomas was trying not to cry, and failing. Alexander wrapped his arms around Thomas, rubbing his back lightly.

“I… I cut myself. They're mostly scabbed over now, I guess. I just didn't want to disappoint you.” Thomas mumbled, picking at the sleeve of his blazer. “I know it's been really hard on you every time I've relapsed, and I thought if I just didn't let you find out, we'd be okay. But, it's not okay.”

Alexander sighed, letting go of Thomas's hand. “Show me.” He said, firm but gentle. Thomas slipped out of his blazer with a soft sigh and then rolled up the sleeve of his button down. There were three deep gashes, that had in fact scabbed over, in the middle of Thomas's forearm. Alexander made a sound like a whimper but a little more tortured.

“I'm sorry, Alex.” Thomas whispered, seeing the tears gathering in Alexander's eyes. He sobbed, leaning his head on Thomas's chest.

“You should've come to me, you asshole.” Alexander said softly. “I would've helped you! Jesus, I should've known something was wrong.”

Thomas huffed softly. “Don't, Alex. You're just gonna make me feel worse.” He mumbled,clenching his fists in Alexander's shirt to keep from peeling open the scabs on his wrist.

“Everything's gonna be okay.” Thomas whispered. Alexander flinched.

“No it isn't. I can't even keep my husband from slitting his own wrists.” Alexander said sadly, his thin frame shaking with sobs as he clung onto Thomas. Thomas sighed, pulled Alexander a little closer.

“Listen, ‘Lex. I'm twenty seven, I can take care of myself.” Thomas said, trying not to come across as exasperated as he felt. “It's not your fault. So just calm down, alright?” Thomas gently pulled away from Alexander to look at him. “You're okay. Deep breath.”

Alexander nodded softly and took a deep breath. “Right. Sorry.” He said with an awkward chuckle. “I love you, ya know?” 

“I know, ‘Lex, I love you too.” Thomas said, sliding his blazer back on and sighing.

IV.  
Alexander was dying. Neither of them said it outright, but they both knew it. He was skinnier than he had been a month ago, and Thomas noticed the way he weighed himself every morning. Now he had pneumonia, fucking pneumonia. Even with both of them being full time lawyers, Thomas wasn't sure they'd be able to afford a hospital bill, but they had no choice.

Alexander slept in the passenger seat on the way there. When they arrived, Thomas leaned over, pecking his husband on the cheek and running a hand through his hair to wake him. A clump of Alexander's hair came out on Thomas's fingers.

Thomas barely managed to open the car door before he was throwing up in the parking lot of the emergency room. This managed to wake Alexander up and he moved over, rubbing Thomas's back. “What happened? Are you okay?”

Thomas sat back in the car, wiping his mouth, and Alexander tied his hair up for him. “Your hair, I- I touched it and it just fell out in my hand.” He said with a shudder. Alexander sighed softly and kissed Thomas on the cheek.

“Yeah, that's been going on for a little while.” He said quietly. Thomas shook his head, rubbing his temple. His husband was literally dying right before his eyes.

When they got into the emergency room, Thomas explained what was going on to the lady behind the front desk. “Uh, this is my husband Alex. As you can see, he's extremely thin, and his doctor said he has pneumonia. He's been fainting multiple times a day, his fever is 106, and his hair is falling out.” Thomas stopped himself before he started crying. Alexander squeezed his hand.

The lady just nodded, wrote something down, then asked for a last name. “Jefferson.” Alexander piped up, beaming up at Thomas, who didn't seem to notice.

“Alright, we'll get back to you as soon as we can, go ahead and have a seat.” Alexander held Thomas's hand tightly and found two seats for them.

“Thomas?” Alexander spoke up softly after they sat in silence for a few moments. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't eat, or drink enough water, or go to the doctor when I'm sick like I should.” He wiped at his eyes before continuing. “I care about you, and I know you care about me, and I know we both know that I'm dying. I don't wanna die, for the first time in a while. I wanna be your husband and have a kid, you know? Because, I love you.” Alexander said quietly, playing with Thomas's fingers while he spoke.

“I know, mon amour.” Thomas whispered, pressing his lips against Alexander's head. “I know. I love you too, so it's a good thing I'm around to keep your stupid ass from dying.” Thomas said with a soft laugh. “I'm not gonna let you die, baby. Don't worry your pretty little head.” He said quietly, wrapping his arm around Alexander.

Alexander smiled, and was content to just lean on Thomas and listen to his breathing for a little while. Thomas wouldn't admit it outloud, but he was deeply, deeply afraid. Alexander was thinner than he'd been the entire time Thomas knew him, and now he had pneumonia and his hair was falling out. They'd only been married for four months, and he was already having to worry over Alexander's life.

It took exactly twenty eight minutes for a nurse to come out and call Alexander. Not that Thomas was counting or anything, knowing each moment could be a moment closer to it being too late for Alexander. Thomas followed, and the nurse tried to stop him. “I'm his husband.” Thomas growled. The woman gave him a dirty look but huffed, letting Thomas pass.

Once Alexander's temperature climbed to 106.5°, they moved him to the ICU, though Thomas had been arguing that they should for an hour before that. “Visiting hours are almost over, ‘Lex.” Thomas whispered once Alexander had been moved to his own room in the ICU. “I'll come by first thing tomorrow. Don't do anything stupid, okay baby?” 

Alexander nodded, leaning up to kiss Thomas lightly. “I love you.”

“I love you too, mon amour.” Thomas whispered, kissing him back for a moment before smoothing his hair down and smiling a little. Then he left, and it was silent.

V.  
For the first time since the engagement, everything was calm. No one was dying. No one had relapsed. Sometimes, Thomas still woke up with a feeling of dread in his stomach before he remembered Alexander was right next to him.

“Good morning, mon amour.” Thomas chirped, cuddling further into Alexander. Something was weird. He opened his eyes, to find that Alexander's entire body was bones, with skin stretched over it like cellophane. 

Alexander opened his mouth to say something, but his teeth were black, and falling out. Thomas screamed.

“Thomas! Wake up!” Alexander said frantically, shaking Thomas's larger frame. Thomas woke up with tears pouring down his face, and he immediately clutched onto Alexander.

“My God.” Thomas whispered, his shoulders still shaking as he held Alexander tightly.

“I'm guessing you don't wanna talk about it?” Alexander guessed, rubbing Thomas's back in what he hoped was a soothing manner.

“No. God, no. But I am going to make you a very large breakfast.” Thomas replied, managing a shaky smile which Alexander returned.

“I love you, you idiot.” He whispered, lips brushing Thomas's neck.

“I love you too, Alexander.” Thomas mumbled happily.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is nolongerqueen, follow me for bad memes!!


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